I’ve been thinking about perseverance a lot lately. As I’ve reflected about the ability to persevere I’m more cognizant of the power of this attribute. And, more personally, I’m more profoundly aware of how the ability to persevere has helped me my whole life long.

For example, as an elementary-age child I loved to run and wanted to try my luck at competing a little. So, I participated in competitive activities and events at school and persevered year after year. At graduation, my peers named me “fastest girl.”

Then, during high school I wanted to make the pompon squad which meant being able to dance well plus perform cartwheels, splits and flips! Yes, cheerleaders did all of this and more! So, I persevered and made the team to my utter surprise and delight.

Once, in college, during my second year in fact, I’d decided that I had matured enough to handle living in an apt on campus. Aside from approval from parents and the RD (resident director), I had to complete an exit inspection of the dorm room facilities I’d used over the past year. My inspection reported damage to a wall and included a bill for thirty something dollars. Well I hadn’t caused the damage and had to prove that it was there when I moved in. I persevered with gathering the evidence needed to contest the charges and the bill was rescinded.

I bet you could come up with your own list of memorable experiences of how perseverance has helped you to deal with and successfully overcome obstacles in your life. Perseverance pulls you forward when you’re most likely to throw in the towel…it says to you, “Just a little more and you’re there!”

Are you facing a relationship challenge at home with your partner, your kids, or your own parents or in-laws? How could perseverance help pull you through to another level of coping? Oftentimes there are numerous reasons to stop, quit, give up, give in, surrender, or stay down…the challenge for you and all of us is to continue to find reasons to persevere. Marriage difficulties? Rising up through difficulties is possible with the right support and perseverance.

Be encouraged, ask questions, and persevere in getting what you need to thrive in our marriage or other important relationship!

Most married couples fall into two categories—satisfied or very satisfied with their marriage. The remaining minority of unhappy couples eventually becomes satisfied or very satisfied with their marriage or they end the marriage.

The early years of my marriage are vividly etched in my mind…the joy…conflicts…and determination to create a successful marriage relationship. We learned that there are seasons of immense joy as well as challenges to overcome in marriage. We believed in each other and in what our marriage could become. We were like 95% of married couples who encounter periods of unhappiness and with commitment and effort move back into a satisfied or very satisfied state in marriage.

In the absence of domestic violence and serious abuse, what is it that holds us back from coming to terms with low satisfaction in our relationships? Are we caught in the ebb and flow of routines that simply carry us from one day to the next? Or are we just too busy and tired to care? Perhaps happiness has been replaced by a more functional relationship.

David Popenoe’s Top Ten Myths of Marriage states that happiness in general has not increased in marriages, but has likely declined somewhat. The life span of a marriage hasn’t really changed much at all over the past fifty years. What has changed according to some studies is the amount of work-related stress, conflict, and the decreased interaction between married partners today compared to those of 20 to 30 years ago.

Typical work-related stressors that can impact marriage happiness include:

• The amount of time dedicated to work at the office or brought home
• The location of a job; the amount of travel involved in fulfilling one’s duties
• Control over the work schedule
• Degree of commitment to a job versus the marriage
• Attitudes about roles at home and division of labor

Clearly attitudes, beliefs, and communication play a significant role in resolving conflicts and other challenges that work-related stressors trigger. Sadly, it’s the lack of awareness of shifting attitudes and beliefs that can creep into a relationship and alter the mindset of the couple.

The good news is that a change in your degree of happiness offers a signal that something has shifted and needs your attention. It may be minor and temporary, or serious, demanding immediate attention, and a long-term plan of action. Whatever it is—until you deal with it you can’t move on to satisfied or very satisfied—which is where every couple wants to be. Happiness has its price. What’s it worth to you?

In this week’s Interpersonally Speaking ezine featured article I talk about the reality of being unhappy in marriage. As I said in the article, this topic of unhappiness in marriage has been calling out to me for several months now.  Perhaps because of a growing observation of how little my favorite professional ezines and other publications address marriage dissatisfaction as an issue of concern for the professional woman.

In fact, I’ve noticed how little if ever the word marriage is even mentioned or spotlighted as an important part of the professional woman’s life. Yet, the word relationship and professional woman are often often intermingled. It’s as if there is something unacceptable about being professional and caring about your marriage…or even loving your married life.

Has it become acceptable to love your work, career, or your relationship, committed and otherwise–while even mentioning marriage as something valuable that contributes to a rich, full, and satisfying life–and is worth enriching has quietly become unacceptable? It seems that when marriage is mentioned it’s lost in lesser significant commentary about an unsuccessful marriage.  Here’s what’s really interesting. When successful women are interviewed well they offer a glimpse into a successful home life that provides the foundation for the success they enjoy professionally.

The real tragedy is that too many professional women are excelling in their career while secretly suffering in their most significant relationship at home–their marriage.

If as professional women we can:

• reign in pride for the sake of listening to opposing views in the interest of finding solutions
• set aside the resources and incorporate the time needed to plan properly
• assess and address areas of weakness
• take risks for clearly defined reasons
• persist
• surround ourselves with people who support, inspire, and challenge us
• be aggressive in the pursuit of that we deem worthy of us

What would become of the unhappiness that plagues too many of us if we took this mindset on for the good of our marriage? Sustainability in marriage could go a long, long way with just a tad bit of the genius that propels us forward successfully in our professions…

What do you think?

Are you presently unhappy in marriage? Do you have a plan for long-term sustainability in your marriage? You can. Be intentional about your happiness and your marriage! Get a plan. You, your partner, and your marriage deserves nothing short of that. My new exclusive Excellence in Marriage coaching group for professional women starts up in early November. I’m running two and each is limited to just six participants. See if this is for you. Here are the details.

I believe in you and your marriage…

 For anyone who’s ever said in a moment of sheer frustration, “Is this all there is to it?” this post is for you…and the answer is, absolutely not! If you’re dissatisfied with the way things are in your marriage relationship use that dissatisfaction in ways that can actually benefit you and your marriage.

Here’s what I mean.

1.) If you’re angry about something that has happened, is happening, or that you expect to happen–don’t just be angry…what else can you do other than feel a particular way about it (in this case, angry)?

2.) If you need something from your partner and he shows no interest in fulfilling this need, consider what it would really require of him…what you’re really seeking from him, and whether or not this is a legitimate expectation.

3.) Emotional closeness is a high priority for married women today, and believe me it’s very important to the health of a marriage in many ways. Here’s the rub, and there is a rub…too often we want to be the receiver. We don’t want to take the first step (for many reasons, for sure) and instead wait for what we believe we deserve from our partner. And, there are times indeed when we are deserving of certain actions, but the most powerful and transforming actions come when we take steps independent of what is deserved. We do them purely as an act of love.

So, the next time you’re tempted to say or hear a friend say, “Is this all there is to marriage?” you can know that marriage becomes what we make of it—and because we are truly intended for more in this very special relationship, our marriage relationship, the real question has to be, “What’s keeping me from taking steps that would transform my marriage into more of what it can be?”

The answer may surprise you. Maybe you honestly don’t knowwhat’s standing in your way. If you could take an inside look at prosperity in marriage would you? I’m hosting a teleseminar that will do just that. You can read about it here. Join me there and learn what you can do to experience much more satisfaction in your marriage!

 Gatekeeping, the catch word describing the behavior that determines or heavily influences the degree to which one spouse allows another to participate in activities such as child care, managing the finances, and even household chores can sometimes work against couples. Typically women are viewed as the gatekeepers in the home.

Interestingly, attitudes and actions of men and women in marriage are the factors that determine whether they are able to work well together as partners in parenting, managing a household, and of course in marriage.

It’s a repeating theme. Our actions and attitudes determine the outcome and results we get with each other. Take this gatekeeping activity, for example. What attitudes are being displayed by a woman toward her partner’s efforts to care for their children, clean their home, and manage their finances? And, what are those of the man toward her efforts? 

What “appears” as lazy may actually be resentment, anger, helplessness, and flat out resignation…all of this, goes right back to attitudes and actions…think about it. What do you think?

How satisfied would you honestly say you are with the quality of your marriage? It’s an important question, really. And it may or may not surprise you to know that too often those in low satisfaction marriages are there in part because they aren’t willing to be personally and “brutally honest” as they need to be in order to get things turned around.

Sometimes it’s “comforting” to say to yourself that your marriage is okay or good enough, despite a deep longing for much more. You know what I’m saying….

What would it mean to make a change? What would it cost? And, would that be worth it?

Change always comes with a cost doesn’t it? With every change something is gained and something left behind.  What would you gain by no longer tolerating a low satisfaction marriage? I think that’s worth some time and reflection. I have a new teleseminar coming later this month that will help you to do just that at zero cost to you. You’ll get an inside look at prosperity in marriage.

More on that to come!

In the meantime tell me what you think low satisfaction in marriage is costing you or someone else you know.

You might want to think twice about allowing important and unresolved issues between you to just “float”. Floating is defined in Talking and Listening Together (the Couple Communication workbook) simply as endless talk and no action. Couples talk about their concerns, problems, and needs without ever taking action to address them. 

Although in every marriage there are times when couples float, healthier marriages don’t engage in it to the point where it becomes a pattern  or habitual response to their issues. Floating multiplies the misery in a vulnerable and unhappy marriage because it simply doesn’t work. What does work is taking courage and working on issues as they arise.

In his article, Marriage Matters: Marriage the Wonder Drug, James Burg, Ph.D., associate professor at Indiana University-Purdue, together with his wife and freelancer, Audora Burg, cite researcher John Gottman’s findings about the power of working on a marriage as follows:

…an unhappy marriage can increase the chances of illness by 35 percent, but that working on a marriage every day does more to promote health and longevity than working out at a health club.

With all that we do today to promote personal health and well-being why is there not more talk about the power of a great marriage? I’d love to get your feedback on the quote. Do you float much at all in your marriage when it comes to tough and important issues, needs, concerns? Which issues do you find yourself most willing to float on?

Probably most important of all—how do you move through it?